Mother knows best?

When does one gain a voice? I had an exchange with my mother today which further fueled the feeling that with her, i am no more than vessel still. Something for her to move about at her will, and fill up how she pleases.
its a daunting idea.
In her opinion, I am neither capable of opinion or feeling proper, nor am i entitled to them.
neither of these being true, i am absolutely on edge with the building of anger and frustration.

She resents me.
She forever will. You see, my mother had me when she was but 17 years of age. And has struggled ever since. Im pretty sure her entire life has been a struggle. Ive been around for the last 21 years, and boy oh boy arent they tear jerkers.

Woe is she. her life is so hard because of me. and she cant really let it go.
she thinks she can. But its in her voice. In her anger. In the things that bother her. My mother feels like I owe her something for all she does.
Who is to say if I owe her, or should just want to pay her back, but its how she feels.
And people wonder why I dont want children. All I can see is pain. Pain for the mother. definitely pain for the child. And if this is what I come from, what do i have to offer a child. I am royally afraid that i would only mess a child up disastrously.

and its all an ugly catch 22. I dont think she could possibly imagine what its like to know you are resented. Or feel like you are the cause of distruction. My mother acts like my sister and i are the bane of her existence. maybe we are. But thats not a good feeling.

And consequently, Im supposed to just comply in obediance. Dont add to the already heavy burden of being my mother. obediance..... like a dog.

it seems like the more of me i become, the less i am liked.
and far be it from me to point out her own flawed humanity. Clearly thats not my place. I really just want to know who wrote the manual on the role of the offspring, and where in said manual does it express that parents are so clearly above reprimand.

I dont know how to do this. I dont know how to go out in the world and try to be me as best that i know me, only to come home and climb inside myself, be subservient, responsible for the debt of my birth, and totally without mind.

it is nothing short of a dive into insanity.
I dont know who I am in her eyes. Im not sure I care anymore. All i know is that i am slowly hardening toward her. And i dont know if i can stop it.

She has made my sister and I her whole life. And i suppose she isnt reaping the benefits she would have hoped for. Perhaps, in exchange, i was to make my whole life about her... or what she wanted of me. But I DO know that it doesnt work that way.
Somewhere along the way, I made my whole life about me. and i dont think that this woman, who has been sacrificing her own identity for that of "mother" since she was seventeen, is capable of identifying that as anything but wrong. But I just dont know how to care anymore. My life WAS about her for a very long time. Pleasing her. Showing her. Doing what she wanted. Listening to her; all without any actual acknowledgement or tip of the hat to my own desires. And now that i know that... i cant go back. I just dont know if she can handle it.

so... im silenced.. and im just wondering.
when do i get my voice?

Hanging Out...not In

I want to go on a date.

Mr. " I don't want a girlfriend," is still around. And driving me a little nuts. But its not necessarily his fault.
i have certainly allowed myself to be subjected to this doormat behavior....

What's in a word?

I met a guy. He is kind. And sweet. Clearly intelligent. Not world's most handsome guy, but I rather like to look at him. He makes me laugh. And he adores me. Sounds sickeningly simplistic doesn't it? Boy meets girl. Boy likes girl and girl likes boy. Boy and Girl are an "item."

then again....maybe not.....

Here's the catch. He's not a fan of girlfriends. They "complicate" things. I never like explanations that start that way. Because life is so clearly an amalgamation of complications. The easy stuff is never what we want or as satisfying as the complicated.

But i respect his point. He says that he is in a place in his life where all he wants to focus on is school. (did i mention he is a graduate student here at the University?) He doesn't have time to be concerned with the nuances of a relationship.
bull****

if one does not wish to engage in the resonsibilities of a relationship, they should certainly not seek for the pleasures of one.

And he does. In me.
I asked him him once about that. Why, if he is so concerned for his time, and the endangerment of my feelings, does he bother to keep me around? His response? "Because you're cool."

clearly I have entered the twilight zone.

Jokingly, he will occasionally ask me if I have "fallen" for him yet. I always reply no. And i probably will continue to make "no" my answer. Even if it were on my agenda, he makes it plain that he doesn't want me to, and systematically deprives me of the opportunity.
But he acts like he's practically in love with me. Does this make sense to ANYONE? really. I feel quite confused. He has actually said that he can see himself falling for me.
who says that anymore?

i don't know where this is going.
we'll see.

oh well....atleast i have my African Violets.

The Muslim or the Christian?

He doesnt smoke. He's not a drinker. Sex is sacred. God is the forerunner in his life. Family is important. Women deserve to be cherished. And he's a Christian/Muslim.
Wait.....what?
yeah. Somehow I have met two wonderful guys. Very similar. One is Christian. One is Muslim.
Im a liberal Christian.
Sounds so easy to just pluck the obvious choice, eh?
But.... the Muslim? he's been a point of adoration for a year or two. I just met the Christian today. And he's awesome already.
Liking a Muslim has been a major point of controversy in my life for the past year. I have tried to avoid it. I have rationalized it. I have sought the opinion of my mother and grandmother. Outwardly, we would seem rather mismatched. I guess. But honestly, i dont think we are. It's an odd situation. But i adore him. I think he is the bees knees.
Where does religion get off telling me who I can or cannot love?
I can just see the old church ladies clucking their tongues at me.
But...
when I met the Christian today....
I was enchanted. I honestly wasnt even thinking about the Muslim. It was like....Islam who?
But im not judging these people by their religions. Im just not using names.
Maybe God just sent me somebody pleasant and I shouldnt be sitting here feeling guilty for liking him. The Christian, im referring to. I mean, I think I was nervous that my liking him was settling for someone LIKE the Muslim, without the hassle of the hardship of different faiths.
But...maybe I just like him. Eh?


note to self.... stop sabotaging.

ah well.... atleast I have my African Violets

Back down memory lane

Somethings never change.

this dude from like.....freshman year....is definitely here. And i dont know how to feel. Not bad, mind you.. I just really havent seen him in like......three years.

He used to date my "dorm sister." And as i sat curled on his arm in the movie theater (seeing Saw V at midnight, mind you) I wondered if she even knew he was back. Or if she would have wanted to know....jesus.

Its just been a week of flashbacks. I saw an old footballer....who i definitely would dub as a stalker. I doubt he saw me. But oh oh......did i ever find out later that he was dating my friend's lil sister the same time he was TRYING to get at me.

Then....theres the supersenior.....the man who should have graduated last May. He confuses me. I mean, we had a chance with each other, and he screwed it up. So why is he all, huggly and such (disclaimer; the author is well aware that "huggly" is not a valid word).

This is the point.....menfolk should not pursue old flames after said flames have moved on. its only annoying....never refreshing.

I really wish I could have an honest conversation with some of these "repeat offenders."

I think the most common question would be... "why didnt you love me enough?"

oh well...atleast i always have my african violets

Depression is a bitch worth slapping

Yesterday I had a nice mini-breakdown. Not sure exactly what was the catalyst. All I know is....

I often have feelings of inadequacy.

I wish I could just duke it out with my depression. Seriously. And it such a Catch 22.... do I sit on the generational curse of Black people not trusting doctors? and just "pray" everything away? Or do I take the medicine and call it a day? I mean really.

Im not even sure I should be having these conversations. Cuz... call it what you want. A chemical imbalance, defeatist attitude, a demon, the Devil, or just being too damn emotional. Point is, I have a problem which is definitely causing me problems when it comes to functioning in my every day.

damn....... I didnt ask for this.

My mother would say different. She believes that the God in us chose our paths waaaay before we existed, so in a sense, we DID choose to endure our sufferings. Well....can I change my mind? yeesh.

I mean....im surely not a fan of crying my eyes out all hours of the night. Im not a fan of crying. Period. Or needing. Im not used to needing....people. Ever since I was little, I have always wanted to stand on my own, if possible.

One of these days....im telling you. Me and Depression...we're boxing. Just not anytime soon unfortunately.

Oh well.... theres always the smell of African Violets to get me through

Love Always??

What is the line between love and obsession? Someone asked me this the other day, and I honestly had no real answer. I know a young lady who feels herself to be in love with someone who doesn't even like her. Sadly enough...this young lady is me. And I adore him. He is a wonderful person who feeds my mind and my eyes.....and we are just friends. Its a hard thing to let go of the idea of someone like him. This may sound like a simple problem... but there are some factors to keep in mind. Im a black, educated woman in college with substantial spirituality. And settling is not an option. In this world of the diverse and adverse, I find myself strongly attracted to my Black brothers. But where are they? Many are lingering behind socially, educationally, and definitely spiritually. The dating pool becomes a puddle as senior year of college lingers nearby.
So where do I go for love? Excuse me if im just not a down, homegirl who can settle for "Pookie" down the street, whose life amibitions are to make it through the workweek. Don't get me wrong, he serves his purpose, but my intellectual accomplishments deserve, I'd say, someone with more intellectual ambitions. I dont want Martin Luther King Jr, per se, because im cetainly not Coretta, but it would be nice to meet someone I can hold a conversation with on something other than sex. And pointless conversations about Obama days before the election do not count.
Snobby? Bourgeois? Uppity? I think not.
but what happened to having....standards?