Mother knows best?

When does one gain a voice? I had an exchange with my mother today which further fueled the feeling that with her, i am no more than vessel still. Something for her to move about at her will, and fill up how she pleases.
its a daunting idea.
In her opinion, I am neither capable of opinion or feeling proper, nor am i entitled to them.
neither of these being true, i am absolutely on edge with the building of anger and frustration.

She resents me.
She forever will. You see, my mother had me when she was but 17 years of age. And has struggled ever since. Im pretty sure her entire life has been a struggle. Ive been around for the last 21 years, and boy oh boy arent they tear jerkers.

Woe is she. her life is so hard because of me. and she cant really let it go.
she thinks she can. But its in her voice. In her anger. In the things that bother her. My mother feels like I owe her something for all she does.
Who is to say if I owe her, or should just want to pay her back, but its how she feels.
And people wonder why I dont want children. All I can see is pain. Pain for the mother. definitely pain for the child. And if this is what I come from, what do i have to offer a child. I am royally afraid that i would only mess a child up disastrously.

and its all an ugly catch 22. I dont think she could possibly imagine what its like to know you are resented. Or feel like you are the cause of distruction. My mother acts like my sister and i are the bane of her existence. maybe we are. But thats not a good feeling.

And consequently, Im supposed to just comply in obediance. Dont add to the already heavy burden of being my mother. obediance..... like a dog.

it seems like the more of me i become, the less i am liked.
and far be it from me to point out her own flawed humanity. Clearly thats not my place. I really just want to know who wrote the manual on the role of the offspring, and where in said manual does it express that parents are so clearly above reprimand.

I dont know how to do this. I dont know how to go out in the world and try to be me as best that i know me, only to come home and climb inside myself, be subservient, responsible for the debt of my birth, and totally without mind.

it is nothing short of a dive into insanity.
I dont know who I am in her eyes. Im not sure I care anymore. All i know is that i am slowly hardening toward her. And i dont know if i can stop it.

She has made my sister and I her whole life. And i suppose she isnt reaping the benefits she would have hoped for. Perhaps, in exchange, i was to make my whole life about her... or what she wanted of me. But I DO know that it doesnt work that way.
Somewhere along the way, I made my whole life about me. and i dont think that this woman, who has been sacrificing her own identity for that of "mother" since she was seventeen, is capable of identifying that as anything but wrong. But I just dont know how to care anymore. My life WAS about her for a very long time. Pleasing her. Showing her. Doing what she wanted. Listening to her; all without any actual acknowledgement or tip of the hat to my own desires. And now that i know that... i cant go back. I just dont know if she can handle it.

so... im silenced.. and im just wondering.
when do i get my voice?