I wanted to write about how I justifiably deserve an apology from him. Then I realized that its deeper than that. So this posting is about anger....
He pissed me off. And if I told you what exactly he did, you might understand. The short of it is a text message I received from him, in response to something heartfelt that I sent first. His response was not the proper level of gratitude.
And in a flurry of text messages, I belabored the point that he was an insensitive douche-bag, so on and so forth. Im sure that the actual messages I sent were much less demeaning and cold than the immediate thoughts rushing through my mind.
Uh oh…
I’m mad at him.
It was a pivotal marker in our relationship. I wasn’t annoyed, or mildly irritated, or frustrated. I still love him. It wasn’t a relationship-breaker. It was strangely comforting to know that we had gotten close enough that his words could do that to me. Such an honor is mainly reserved for family. Still, I was mad. Absolutely mad, and awaiting the necessary apology, filled with indignation and self-righteousness.
I often wonder how many single women are full of indignation and self-righteousness… because I can see how the latter could cause the former.
Hours later (somewhere around 2am, to be exact), my texts unanswered, my anger rekindled itself. How dare he not have already sent me response texts, gushing with apology and adoration? Who does he think he is? It was THE MOMENT.
What is THE MOMENT? Well, it’s a showdown of pride and hurt and “who breaks first” that often ruins a great connection. It is that exact point when you realize that he isn’t going to call you, and you don’t want to call him, because you’ve already said your peace, and he (or she… because this happens with guys too) should realize his wrongdoing and WANT to apologize….
THE MOMENT is an ugly example of how human fragility causes us to put up the most intricate walls emotionally, all in an effort to protect ourselves. If only we knew how much more damage the isolation does us!
SO, there I was, checking my phone every ten minutes, sure he would say SOMETHING at some point. After a few checks, I knew. He would either avoid me, call tomorrow like it never happened, or just refuse to be wrong…. The man is as stubborn as a bull... And so the challenge begins.
….this is stupid…..
Why is it stupid?
Because deep inside, I really do care for him, and the reason I wanted him to apologize was because the lack of understanding and sensitivity regarding my first text message felt like rejection of ME. The text message was a testament of my feelings. And no one likes to have their feelings rejected. If he apologized, it meant that he understood that it was wrong to reject me in such a manner.
However, there’s this little… creature… deep inside me that kept my true vulnerability from coming through loud and clear. Its name is anger.
Even in their edited form, my text messages were clearly full of anger and some profanity… I immediately became defensive of my behavior, and let him know EXACTLY why what he did was WRONG. There was no compassion, in my attempt to educate him on how he could have better handled the situation. There was no love, honestly. I was hurt, and acted out an angry, hurt place.
So now its 2am, and we aren’t talking to one another. Which isn’t what I wanted. Now, in case you all are wondering, he was definitely wrong in the way that he handled himself. My hurt is reasonably justified. But in allowing my anger to drive my behavior, I lost two things; an opportunity to expand his perspective, and an evening of potentially wonderful, loving conversation. What’s more, I met his negativity with more negativity and it got me none of the results that I wanted… An eye for an eye leaves the world blind…..
Men… People….. Do not like to be yelled at. Not even in text message. And all capital letters is a blatant form of text-yelling. And dominant, strong personality types even less so. My unbridled, knee-jerk reaction of anger did nothing for the situation but irritate things more.
Now, some of you, especially my female readers… may be reading this and thinking… “Forget that. If he did wrong, I got a right to be mad, and a right to act upset.”
And I say…. Yes. You certainly have that right. But if you’re goal is to continue peacefully in the relationship, then you are going to have discard some of that self-righteous indignation I mentioned earlier, and learn how to be patient. Because relationships aren’t built on pride. They are built on love.
And everything I have ever read about love, (including the Christian bible) says that Love is patient.
Does it mean that you don’t address the problem? No… not at all. But it may mean, perhaps, that instead of fighting back, and tearing down at him (or her) you seek to simply explain what you are feeling, and offer a sincere suggestion about how best to treat you. If you are too angry to do so…. Then wait until you are calmer.
I mean.. if you want to keep things going well.
As for me… I am currently still caught in THE MOMENT… he hasn’t called. Or sent a text, and my stupid pride still hasn’t allowed me to break the silence. Its very stupid…. But old habits die young. And now its 3am…. You don’t want to be here people. You really don’t. LEARN FROM MY MISTAKES! I miss him more than I am upset with him, and this is not the result I desired for myself. Understand… I DO DESERVE AN APOLOGY… but… I SHOULDN’T ADDRESS THE ISSUE IN ANGER….
And now pride keeps us apart.
Hopefully this blows over…. It would be insanely ignorant for all the goodness of this relationship to crumble because of two prideful Virgos standing their ground, and being defensive.
Until next time……
p.s. Hey You, if you read this... I apologize for my anger, and what I should have done was tell you that your text message really hurt me.
He pissed me off. And if I told you what exactly he did, you might understand. The short of it is a text message I received from him, in response to something heartfelt that I sent first. His response was not the proper level of gratitude.
And in a flurry of text messages, I belabored the point that he was an insensitive douche-bag, so on and so forth. Im sure that the actual messages I sent were much less demeaning and cold than the immediate thoughts rushing through my mind.
Uh oh…
I’m mad at him.
It was a pivotal marker in our relationship. I wasn’t annoyed, or mildly irritated, or frustrated. I still love him. It wasn’t a relationship-breaker. It was strangely comforting to know that we had gotten close enough that his words could do that to me. Such an honor is mainly reserved for family. Still, I was mad. Absolutely mad, and awaiting the necessary apology, filled with indignation and self-righteousness.
I often wonder how many single women are full of indignation and self-righteousness… because I can see how the latter could cause the former.
Hours later (somewhere around 2am, to be exact), my texts unanswered, my anger rekindled itself. How dare he not have already sent me response texts, gushing with apology and adoration? Who does he think he is? It was THE MOMENT.
What is THE MOMENT? Well, it’s a showdown of pride and hurt and “who breaks first” that often ruins a great connection. It is that exact point when you realize that he isn’t going to call you, and you don’t want to call him, because you’ve already said your peace, and he (or she… because this happens with guys too) should realize his wrongdoing and WANT to apologize….
THE MOMENT is an ugly example of how human fragility causes us to put up the most intricate walls emotionally, all in an effort to protect ourselves. If only we knew how much more damage the isolation does us!
SO, there I was, checking my phone every ten minutes, sure he would say SOMETHING at some point. After a few checks, I knew. He would either avoid me, call tomorrow like it never happened, or just refuse to be wrong…. The man is as stubborn as a bull... And so the challenge begins.
….this is stupid…..
Why is it stupid?
Because deep inside, I really do care for him, and the reason I wanted him to apologize was because the lack of understanding and sensitivity regarding my first text message felt like rejection of ME. The text message was a testament of my feelings. And no one likes to have their feelings rejected. If he apologized, it meant that he understood that it was wrong to reject me in such a manner.
However, there’s this little… creature… deep inside me that kept my true vulnerability from coming through loud and clear. Its name is anger.
Even in their edited form, my text messages were clearly full of anger and some profanity… I immediately became defensive of my behavior, and let him know EXACTLY why what he did was WRONG. There was no compassion, in my attempt to educate him on how he could have better handled the situation. There was no love, honestly. I was hurt, and acted out an angry, hurt place.
So now its 2am, and we aren’t talking to one another. Which isn’t what I wanted. Now, in case you all are wondering, he was definitely wrong in the way that he handled himself. My hurt is reasonably justified. But in allowing my anger to drive my behavior, I lost two things; an opportunity to expand his perspective, and an evening of potentially wonderful, loving conversation. What’s more, I met his negativity with more negativity and it got me none of the results that I wanted… An eye for an eye leaves the world blind…..
Men… People….. Do not like to be yelled at. Not even in text message. And all capital letters is a blatant form of text-yelling. And dominant, strong personality types even less so. My unbridled, knee-jerk reaction of anger did nothing for the situation but irritate things more.
Now, some of you, especially my female readers… may be reading this and thinking… “Forget that. If he did wrong, I got a right to be mad, and a right to act upset.”
And I say…. Yes. You certainly have that right. But if you’re goal is to continue peacefully in the relationship, then you are going to have discard some of that self-righteous indignation I mentioned earlier, and learn how to be patient. Because relationships aren’t built on pride. They are built on love.
And everything I have ever read about love, (including the Christian bible) says that Love is patient.
Does it mean that you don’t address the problem? No… not at all. But it may mean, perhaps, that instead of fighting back, and tearing down at him (or her) you seek to simply explain what you are feeling, and offer a sincere suggestion about how best to treat you. If you are too angry to do so…. Then wait until you are calmer.
I mean.. if you want to keep things going well.
As for me… I am currently still caught in THE MOMENT… he hasn’t called. Or sent a text, and my stupid pride still hasn’t allowed me to break the silence. Its very stupid…. But old habits die young. And now its 3am…. You don’t want to be here people. You really don’t. LEARN FROM MY MISTAKES! I miss him more than I am upset with him, and this is not the result I desired for myself. Understand… I DO DESERVE AN APOLOGY… but… I SHOULDN’T ADDRESS THE ISSUE IN ANGER….
And now pride keeps us apart.
Hopefully this blows over…. It would be insanely ignorant for all the goodness of this relationship to crumble because of two prideful Virgos standing their ground, and being defensive.
Until next time……
p.s. Hey You, if you read this... I apologize for my anger, and what I should have done was tell you that your text message really hurt me.
No comments:
Post a Comment