Pride and Predjudice.....

I wanted to write about how I justifiably deserve an apology from him. Then I realized that its deeper than that. So this posting is about anger....

He pissed me off. And if I told you what exactly he did, you might understand. The short of it is a text message I received from him, in response to something heartfelt that I sent first. His response was not the proper level of gratitude.
And in a flurry of text messages, I belabored the point that he was an insensitive douche-bag, so on and so forth. Im sure that the actual messages I sent were much less demeaning and cold than the immediate thoughts rushing through my mind.
Uh oh…

I’m mad at him.

It was a pivotal marker in our relationship. I wasn’t annoyed, or mildly irritated, or frustrated. I still love him. It wasn’t a relationship-breaker. It was strangely comforting to know that we had gotten close enough that his words could do that to me. Such an honor is mainly reserved for family. Still, I was mad. Absolutely mad, and awaiting the necessary apology, filled with indignation and self-righteousness.

I often wonder how many single women are full of indignation and self-righteousness… because I can see how the latter could cause the former.

Hours later (somewhere around 2am, to be exact), my texts unanswered, my anger rekindled itself. How dare he not have already sent me response texts, gushing with apology and adoration? Who does he think he is? It was THE MOMENT.

What is THE MOMENT? Well, it’s a showdown of pride and hurt and “who breaks first” that often ruins a great connection. It is that exact point when you realize that he isn’t going to call you, and you don’t want to call him, because you’ve already said your peace, and he (or she… because this happens with guys too) should realize his wrongdoing and WANT to apologize….

THE MOMENT is an ugly example of how human fragility causes us to put up the most intricate walls emotionally, all in an effort to protect ourselves.  If only we knew how much more damage the isolation does us!

SO, there I was, checking my phone every ten minutes, sure he would say SOMETHING at some point. After a few checks, I knew. He would either avoid me, call tomorrow like it never happened, or just refuse to be wrong…. The man is as stubborn as a bull... And so the challenge begins.

….this is stupid…..

Why is it stupid?
Because deep inside, I really do care for him, and the reason I wanted him to apologize was because the lack of understanding and sensitivity regarding my first text message felt like rejection of ME. The text message was a testament of my feelings. And no one likes to have their feelings rejected. If he apologized, it meant that he understood that it was wrong to reject me in such a manner.

However, there’s this little… creature… deep inside me that kept my true vulnerability from coming through loud and clear. Its name is anger.

Even in their edited form, my text messages were clearly full of anger and some profanity… I immediately became defensive of my behavior, and let him know EXACTLY why what he did was WRONG. There was no compassion, in my attempt to educate him on how he could have better handled the situation. There was no love, honestly. I was hurt, and acted out an angry, hurt place.

So now its 2am, and we aren’t talking to one another. Which isn’t what I wanted. Now, in case you all are wondering, he was definitely wrong in the way that he handled himself. My hurt is reasonably justified. But in allowing my anger to drive my behavior, I lost two things; an opportunity to expand his perspective, and an evening of potentially wonderful, loving conversation. What’s more, I met his negativity with more negativity and it got me none of the results that I wanted… An eye for an eye leaves the world blind…..

Men… People….. Do not like to be yelled at. Not even in text message. And all capital letters is a blatant form of text-yelling. And dominant, strong personality types even less so.  My unbridled, knee-jerk reaction of anger did nothing for the situation but irritate things more.

Now, some of you, especially my female readers… may be reading this and thinking… “Forget that. If he did wrong, I got a right to be mad, and a right to act upset.”

And I say…. Yes. You certainly have that right. But if you’re goal is to continue peacefully in the relationship, then you are going to have discard some of that self-righteous indignation I mentioned earlier, and learn how to be patient. Because relationships aren’t built on pride. They are built on love.
And everything I have ever read about love, (including the Christian bible) says that Love is patient.

Does it mean that you don’t address the problem? No… not at all. But it may mean, perhaps, that instead of fighting back, and tearing down at him (or her)  you seek to simply explain what you are feeling, and offer a sincere suggestion about how best to treat you. If you are too angry to do so…. Then wait until you are calmer.

I mean.. if you want to keep things going well.

As for me… I am currently still caught in THE MOMENT… he hasn’t called. Or sent a text, and my stupid pride still hasn’t allowed me to break the silence. Its very stupid…. But old habits die young. And now its 3am…. You don’t want to be here people. You really don’t. LEARN FROM MY MISTAKES! I miss him more than I am upset with him, and this is not the result I desired for myself.  Understand… I DO DESERVE AN APOLOGY… but… I SHOULDN’T ADDRESS THE ISSUE IN ANGER….

And now pride keeps us apart.

Hopefully this blows over…. It would be insanely ignorant for all the goodness of this relationship to crumble because of two prideful Virgos standing their ground, and being defensive.


Until next time……

p.s. Hey You, if you read this... I apologize for my anger, and what I should have done was tell you that your text message really hurt me.

Oh, she's screwing....

Greetings lovers.

Ladies, raise your hand if you fear the little pink pill.
Or in my case, twenty four little pink pills. One a day. Every day. Til Death do us part? Or menopause....

Birth control. I have a physical condition that requires birth control to regulate it.

Did I ever tell you all that I hate the idea of birth control? Hormones pumping into my body that I didn't make. Sounds sketchy. But they don't have anything else so, here I am... popping pink pills. And I've learned, that, unlike vitamins, the little aluminum package is not for public viewing. You tell people ur taking vitamins, they nod accordingly and keep it moving. Bring that aluminum package out and its some sort of knowing stereotype... "oh she's screwing..."

Couldn't be further from the truth.
One does not need birth control to screw ;-)
And one does not always jump in bed upon taking birth control.


What is it about this little package that suddenly brands a woman as sexually active? Doctors have been using birth control to regulate hormones for quite some time now. As a matter of fact, when I was a teen, with a very irregular cycle, the product rolled off of physician's tongues.

The idea gave my mother tremors I'm sure.

And maybe a woman IS sexually active and wants to use birth control. Why does she get that LOOK? I was sitting in a restaurant and took out my pack, discreetly, I thought. This old lady across from me happened to see it and started to frown. To FROWN.
I know what she was thinking... "oh, she's screwing..."

Its a chant almost... filling the air invisibly from disapproving onlookers. And its rediculous. Its 2011. And while my birth control is for my stupid condition, I'm not sure why its such a big deal if a woman IS 'screwing.' Isn't that her perogative? Does it mean she's a whore? What if she's in a long lasting, monogamous relationship and just doesn't want children?

Its too much stigma, too much assuming....

But everyone doesn't read my blog, and so they don't know that they shouldn't assume.

But you know....

And this goes for menfolk too. Don't assume anything if your girl is taking BC. If she wants things to change, she'll let you know. I know a girl whose boyfriend of TWO YEARS suddenly stopped buying condoms because she started taking birth control. She laughed and smartly told him EXACTLY where he could "stick it." And she sent him to the store for condoms.

Ladies... its your body. And you are free to do with it what you please... but just be wary... its a HATER world out there. Maybe you should just head to the bathroom to pop ur pink pills... just don't let ANYBODY (boyfriends included) box you into their perceptions when it comes to your body.
As for me?
Ha... I'm going to keep doing me. Of course.

Taa-taa Lovers.

WTF series... a year of romantic foolishness: Duke

What can I say about the Duke? He was a real entertainer. Knew how to play.... the game that is...

I met 'Duke' when I was happily minding my business, helping a senior citizen learn how to use the internet. No, no community service. I'm just that type of woman. ;-)

He was intrigued by what I was doing. And so, when I explained myself, somehow he pulled me into further conversation. The man was bold... I give you that. He flatly asked my number. I said why. He responded, "because I think Id like to get to know you." Simple. Bold. Effective. I gave it to him.

For three months, we whirled and wined in and out of happiness and confusion. He was absolutely pleasant when he was with me. Patient, funny, and kind. When he wasn't with me, it was sometimes difficult just to get him on the phone, regularly. He did this thing I call 'ghost.' It means that he just disappeared into thin air, like a ghost, at times. No calls. No dates. Or even worse, canceling dates.

Well, his birthday was the icing on the cake. I planned a very beautiful evening for this man. There was even cooking involved. By the end of the evening, it was determined that he wouldn't be able to make it... but he didn't tell me until the next day.

Oh boy did I let him have it.....

I let Duke know that I was fed up, and that I would no longer put up with his foolishness. And I didn't mention this earlier, but he had this sort of secretiveness to him. Always claiming there was something he wasn't comfortable telling me yet.

That day, when I was fed up, he finally told me.

Duke was a gigolo........

*pause*
For those of you laughing too hard to continue on, I understand. For those of you in confusion, a gigolo is a male prostitue. You know, Deuce Bigolow? Oh, that's not what you're confused about? Oh ok...
*play*

I sat staring at my phone (he, of course, texted all this to me, coward that he was), mouth open... confused, and laughing, and waiting for the punk'd cameras. My first thought? "Men still do that sh**?!!" The secret life of college students.....
My second thought? Well, that one was actually a medley of reasons why we could no longer be together. I can sum them all up with three letters: W. T. F....

And that was the end of me and Duke. Three months of being wooed by a prostitute. A whore. A courtesan. A- ok you get the picture. And what did I learn from this?

*TAKE TIME TO LEARN HIM. This is for fellas too. It takes longer than a week to know how someone will behave. He didn't immediately fall off the face of the earth. At first he was very doting and attentive.

*DON'T 'GIVE IT UP' QUICK. One of my first few thoughts was a sincere relief that we had never slept together, and an understanding as to how he could be so patient about it. Now I know.... Ladies... and I guess fellas too. People are nasty out there. Let someone SHOW you that they are willing to work for the privilege of your physical gifts. Wait a little while. It may save your life.

*KNOW YOUR LIMITATIONS. Now... I know some people may say three months wasn't a long time to be dating, but it was too long to be putting up with 'mess.' I realized that I'm not the kind of woman who is ok with not talking to/seeing/communicating with a guy for weeks at a time. Especially not someone who is seemingly adament about 'making something meaningful' with me. Its just not me. If that starts to happen, I now just start to move on. Won't even ask questions. Ill just play 'ghost' myself. And not on purpose. But I got too much life to live to be waiting on someone who is uninterested.

*EXPECT THE UNEXPECTED. Of course you can't really expect the unexpected... just like I never knew homeboy was a concubine. But you can be sure that life will throw you some curve balls. And when it does, keep your head up, and take it light.

That's it for now blokes.
Be happy and let love find you.
Peace.