Dearest Departed (Fidel Cashflow)

Dearly Departed is the name of a play that i was in this past weekend. It's also the term for someone who has passed away.

My character, Marguerite, is the sister of the dead character.

My self, Leslie, is the "sister" of another passed soul.

Randal "Fidel Ca$hflow" Walker was twenty-one years old when he passed away November 13th, 2009. He left behind too many friends and broken hearts to count. And he was my little brother.

Randy's death brought to attention the lives of my other little brothers, all of which, including Randy, made up a little pack of wolves themselves. These young men, all between twenty and twenty two years of age, had friendship that withstood the trials of time and circumstance for four gracious years of college. They stood strong together, and supported each other.

Then one left....

Randy's death shook through my little brothers in the way that is only understood by those who have lost a part of themselves. it forced them to come together in a whole new way. It forced my hand too.

The shock of Randy's death didnt hit me until the next night. I spent a whole day praying for my brothers and their families, and Randy's family. it wasnt until i found myself reciting lines about a dead brother that night in rehearsal, that i felt a stinging choke in my throat. Was this grief?
it felt more violent and crushing than when my elderly grandmother died, or even when i lost someone from my childhood. This felt like a rush of heat and cold punching me dead in the chest. I wandered in the hallways of the rehearsal hall after my scene, and tried to comfort myself. Or to numb it away again. It was too late. Another actress found me in the hallway, and in the instant she touched me to offer a hug, the humanity of her touch punctured my heart. Water and noise and pain poured from my heart, out of my mouth and eyes and nose. Tears and sobs and bellowing ushered forth, uncontrollable, and immeasurably constant. I am told that i sputtered and spat the same words repeatedly. "My brother is dead." I could think of nothing, sitting there on the hallway floor, choking on dark emotion, unable to stop. "My brother is dead."

After the tears subsided, there was nothing in my body but ache. Nothing in my heart but coldness. And anger. Suddenly, everyone's problems seemed slight and trivial. Other people's talking was a nuisance. People's happiness seemed unappreciative and disrespectful. My senses were numbed. I felt like i was walking at the bottom of a pool.
And I was angry.

My anger is very unusual. It lasts a very long time and burns very strongly. However, it takes alot to ignite my anger, or my temper. My body is not built for angry energy. It is draining and consuming. So, I do not entertain it often.

I was angry nonetheless. And eventually, my anger turned to God. I was unable to be the rational, faithful child of God that i aspire to be. Instead i was resentful and confused, not understanding why someone as lovely as Randy was supposed to leave this earth. It is only now, almost a month later, that i can fully understand (although not necessarily appreciate) that Randy's time with us was OUR blessing. We were never entitled to him at all. We certainly werent promised any longevity with him. So, whatever time God gave us, was purely all we were supposed to have. To assume otherwise, is to be very arrogant in assuming one's rights over God's plans.

All of this "epiphany" time is showing me, reminding me, that we are promised no one and nothing. every person we care about is a gift with a limited warranty. Hopefully we will remember that. Hopefully I will remember that. I doubt it... honestly... at some point i probably will take someone, or something for granted. And surely, God will probably be there to remind me.. a spiritual slap on the wrists. But i hope that i am cognizant most of the time, of the blessing that people are in my life.

This Sunday, when the cast prayed before the last show, I sent a small prayer to God and Randy. I told him that this show would be for him, and i'd be thinking of him. I think he heard me. And since i can't have him back... as hard as that is to deal with, i am atleast happy to have had him at all.

Shoulda, Woulda, Coulda

On my birthday, I went into Claire's to buy jewelry. On my birthday the guy at the register was incredibly good looking. And on my birthday,he took my phone number and gave me two coupons instead of one, after complimenting my mother with the best possible "I thought she was your sister." I think he believed it!



My birthday was a Sunday.

We went out on a date on a Wednesday.

And then, the next day, I left the state to go back to school..



End of story.....





NOT.



The date was incredibly sweet. Vintage sweet. 1950's lunch on a picnic blanket sweet.

And the conversation was amazing. There was even a kiss (gasp) or two. Yes, I realize its a very forward first-date move, but hey. Sometimes, just sometimes, you can break a rule or two.

The only visible issue was that he's only an inch taller than me, and younger. Sure.... age doesnt matter... but im twenty-two.






Yikes a million.



However... im getting over it. As wonderful as he is, this blog is not quite about him.



Because, i could go on and on and on about how great he is, and compatible we are, and how well we are doing, all of 22 days later.... (when you talk EVERY day thats alot... especially considering that for 14 of those days i didnt really have a phone.)



But im sure that going on about him would lead you to assume the vomit position with a bag under your head....



cute can only be tolerated for so long. Im aware.



No.. this blog is instead about the considerable amount of creatures who are left in the aftermath, still pursuing yours truly, and well-assured of their imaginary importance in my life.

*scoff*

well, arent they arrogant....



Let's start with the ex boyfriend. You know the one. If you read any of my blogs... ever.. you know that my ex boyfriend, who is in the army now, has been a phantom in my love for a few years after we broke up. Ha. No.... after HE broke up with ME. Lets not sugarcoat. I couldnt get over him! It was insane. I think he ws singlehandedly responsible for my inability to go down the boyfriend road with anyone else after him.



talk about leaving an impression.....



Now, he has a daughter, and a crazy "baby mama." yeesh. And he has decided to be "single" for awhile. Not the first time. Every time he has a bout of singleness, its actually a masquerade for his emotionally dumping on me the frustrations of complicated love. i am his emotional mistress. or... rather... i was. i refuse it anymore, and i think this scares him.

and he is just one of many. Men who think that I will always be the doting "friend" who just adores them so much that i will endure anything.
i wasnt even that girl when they thought i was....

so... they can all kiss it. hard.

they can take their need to be comforted and petted, and go buy a puppy.

even without the guy i met, im very decided on making the most of my time on this watery ball we call earth, and that means looking out for myself.

i will treat well, those that treat me well.
and for the rest of you?
shoulda. woulda. coulda.

Cap N Gown

I picked up my cap n gown yesterday.

EX-HIL-I-RA-TING.

It was a weird experience to be looking down at the clothing of my future. A robe and a hat. Nothing more than simple fabric stitched in a particular pattern, but it meant the world to me.

These two items represented the completion of a major chapter in my life, and a major cycle in my family.

After recieving the clothing, I ran upstairs to my dorm room, and did a "happy dance." Those of you unfamiliar with my happy dance can just imagine a very ackward version of Michelle Tanner's wiggle dance as a child on the tv show Full House.

However, even with all the theatrics, it still hasnt hit me yet. I am a GRADUATING Senior.

And the question remains.... What next?
Somewhere along the way I realized that I dont really want to go to Grad School. Atleast not immediately. My only reason for going now would be to avoid the workforce even longer. Yikes....

Besides that, I think it's been an obligatory endeavor. My mom went to law school, and my grandmother wants a PhD. eventually.

Wouldn't I be some sort of black sheep to "cut out early" on the education track?
It's hard to decidedly disappoint people.

But I realize that my path to college was set for me a long time ago by my mother. Before I could speak properly, or read, for that matter. And when I arrived here, I continued to let other people live my life for me. I was here because I HAD to be. It was no driving passion of my own to be in college. It was just what I was supposed to do- no different than highschool. Not taking the reins on my education caused me alot of stress. And the things I DID want to do- took precedence over classwork. But even with no real effort, I was a smart cookie; enough not to totally sink.

I think that last year was the first year that I totally, and fully tried to make school work. I learned to take not only school, but my life, by the reins and carve out some image of what I really wanted from this ride.

Now, in my fifth and final year, I am perfecting the art of "taking the reins." I am beginning to really ask my Self the questions "What do I want for me." for a LONG time the question has been about what is "expected of me" or "How will this person feel if i do such and such." No more of that. When it's all said and done, Besides God, no one else can make anything really happen for me but me.

So, this cap n gown of mine- they mean alot. Yes, they mean a breaking of a long, dark cycle in my family. but they also mean freedom- freedom to totally be myself and do whatever I want to do in this world- freedom to become who I am supposed to be. The rush is over. I'm on my own time now. I have graduated from social servitude on the part of my life decisions. And I am an alumni of the institution of "Other's Expectations."

techno twitter junkie

Its the dawn of the technology age.
and everything is peachy keen.
Sure teenagers text each other in the same room ,and grown adults are forgetting the art of conversation, and elementary school kids arent learning to spell as aptly as they should, but its all good.

Or is it?

Don't get me wrong- there is absolutely nothing wrong with technology. It's like food. We can use it for good things- but honestly, we are all a little addicted.
I have a seventeen year old sister who never puts her phone down, and a 39 yr old mother who practically lives on YouTube. Even as I say this to you, I am typing on a computer screen, with my cell at my side, and music blasting. Im not a hypocrite. Im not excluding myself from the problem. I simply think I am taking the first step...

admit when you need help: people all over are so plugged into their computers/phones/mp3's/gamesystems/etc, that we are losing touch with each other.

I had a guy ask me for my phone number so we could keep in touch. The first response i gave him was "ok, but text me because its free." And he did. and had quirky interesting things to say in text message. I decided to give him a call, because I love interesting conversation..... dead silence.... in person (on the phone) it was as if he was a totally different creature. He had nothing to say. Nothing at all....

Another time, i was texting an essay's worth of conversation to my friend. She and I continued on in this manner for atleast an hour. My mom asked to use my phone, and when I made a face, she said "you're not even using it." To which i quickly replied "Yes I am. Im having a conversation. It would be rude to just interrupt my conversation. She's expecting me to respond back." Seem odd to you? Im having a conversation with no conversing? riiiiight....

Which brings me to another glorious note. My mother. The queen bee of the techno junkies. She is thoroughly shocked when my sister and I dont have our phones on our person at every waking moment. I dont mean leaving the house without it. I mean leaving the room without it.... to go to the next room. She berates us for not answering our phones immediately, when she herself is notorious for never being available to answer a call. Also, since we have acquired these phones, the house phone has nearly become void. Sitting next to the house phone, she will call me into the room, requesting to use my phone because hers is dead.........

I just have one of those "Fresh Prince of Bel-Air" moments when Will looks directly at the camera, symbolically at the audience. It would be hilarious if it werent so sad. lmao....

Humanity is letting technology get the best of us. And we arent even making the very most of it. In such a global economy, we could be doing some real good to the Earth, and helping to create more opportunities for people. And these types of missions do exist. But they just dont beat the Youtubing, Facebooking, Twittering fanatics of the world. Tell me- why is it taking so long to make cost effective hybrid cars? What are we really doing?

Nowadays, if you can't take your business online, you can't make money. Yet people are not going into these marketplaces to teach vendors how to join the global community.

We are losing our ability to think, by letting our gadgets do the thinking for us. Business people are not being taught how to be innovative- they're being taught how to "get it done." And this is going to crash and burn if we dont do something about it.

I love my phone and email and computer as much as the next person. But i still sit and read. I still go to the park. Sure active video games are a plus, but so is fresh air. you cant learn everything with the click of a mouse. You cant escape experiencing life. I suggest we learn to better mesh our quickly advancing techno world with the beauty of our organic one. Because if they dont learn to live together, one is going to wipe the other out.... And if organic goes... so do organisms... (thats us people.)

Dont rush me

Sometimes, we do stupid things. Say stupid things. And hopefully learn from them. And sometimes we make those exact mistakes over and over again.
Not this time.
I met a guy, D, who very much excites me to be around. Giggles, blushes, bubbly feelings- all the makings of a good Disney movie.
He's funny, and beautiful, and headstrong, and smart, and opinionated, and animated, and caring, and blah blah blah.
So why does he deserve a blog? Well, unfortunately, its not for getting the Knight in Shining Armor award. Every prince has a few leftover warts from their frog days, and he is no different.

D is rushing me. Im sure any inquiry inot my family or friends will assure you; i hate to be rushed.

The other day, our conversation turned very quickly to my leaving for Virginia in a few weeks, to stay for several months. School. A necessary juncture that had not yet reached maturity. He complained about missing me, which is totally understandable. I would miss him as well. However, we arent a couple yet, so i didnt feel a need to focus SO MUCh attention on the subject. He asked how i felt about moving forward into a relationship, and a mixture of confusion eased into my spirit. On the one hand, it would be fun, and exciting, and desirable to do. On the other hand it would be rather premature in my mind, and probably short-lived. I tried to explain this to him, but he was hearing no parts of it. And then came the ugly demon. D actually threw something very much akin to a tantrum. As a former babysitter, i knew better than to feed it any attention. I walked away from the situation and told him to call me when he wanted to respect my decision.

But why the decision? I am torn between two very different hearts.
The young vibrant fairychild in me is all systems go, sure that whatever mayhem would erupt is just part of the ride. She wants to takeover the situation with a devil-may-care attitude, with no regards for how the end could affect this young man's heart.
The older, warmer woman who eventually wants one of those 70 yr long marriages, is both concerned heavily about his feelings, and the worthiness of the attempt. She knows that respect breeds patience breeds endurance which breeds stability, and that such characteristics are required to make a relationship work. This is what she wants, hacing no more energy to foolish flings.

In battling both of these thoughts, I think I have either sided with caution, or else stalled until the smoke clears. I told him I would give him a more decisive answer at the end of the month. And I very much intend to. I think , however, that alot of that will depend on him, and what he shows me.

long overdue

I havent written a blog in the year 2009. That was three months ago. What a crowning achievement for yours truly. But my blog procrastination is the direct result of being a full time student and a part time artist. Something somewhere is going to suffer.

excuses aside

today is the first day i havent cried. And with my ovaries dancing the tango, i think that this of all days, id be entitled to. Its a cool, bright day in April. Ive decided that i might be more of a late spring person than a mid-summer person.

equally random....

I now pronounce you Man and Church

Married to Jesus.
in a moment of personal anguish, I jokingly told a male friend of mine that I was going to join a convent and date Jesus because he doesn't ever give me the same crap as the guy im seeing. He said "he should be your first boyfriend."

Can you say, "slap in the face"?
Then, i made a comment on my sister's blog that God is without gender. Neither male nor female but rather possessing the whole sum of these parts. And so, he is whatever you need him to be.

With all that being said, You have to wonder why my original search for love didnt begin with the original Lover... Don't I feel stupid.... Everything I could ask for in a man, i can certainly find in my relationship with Christ. And if i were smart earlier, i would have realized that my relationship with any man earth is simply supposed to be a physical representation of such a relationship.

Hmm... i need to get on that one. So maybe i will focus on being married to jesus for awhile.
Alteast... im going to try.

Go Deeper

I have forgotten enough times that there is so much more than the physical love we all pursue. Love drawn askew with notions of romance and lust, of physical attraction, even of pursuance of emotional gratification.

right about now, i could use some emotional lovemaking. I could go for a chance to be seduced with what is between my ears, not my legs.