You know how people say "take responsibility for the problems in your life?" Well, I used to hate that statement as a kid, because I didn't believe in it. As a very practical teen, I used to ask things like "what about rape? how do you take responsibility for like, a relative being murdered?"
And while I still think some problems are out of our control, I think that the statement mostly applies to situations that we let hold us back, and blame on others, or outside factors.
Like relationships... You ever watch a relationship unfold? Its really ugly. And usually both sides are too busy pointing out what the other did wrong.
However, if a person can investigate themselves with the painful, and microscopic lens of honesty, they may find that they played a deeper part in the ending than they would have assumed.
This is, of course, assuming the relationship just ended because they weren't meant for each other. I am not referring to abuse or infidelity.
Ive been thinking about this a lot lately, and I wanted to post some questions that I think are relevant.
Why do/did you want a relationship with this person?
There are quite a few people who jump into relationships to avoid loneliness. If thats the case, you are going to have a problem, down the line. So... why do you want to be with them? Is it because of how they make you feel? Because you like who they are?
What do/did you hope to get from this relationship?
Im not sure there's a right answer here, but if the answer is "nothing," chances are that "nothing" is exactly what you will get. And I'm not talking about just superficial goals like "a long term companion." Look deeper.
What are your 'uglies'?
What's an uglie? For the sake of this article, an "uglie" is some internal flaw or issue you have that might cause issues for the relationship. Bad experiences with one's parents, for example, could be an "uglie," especially if those issues havent been addressed. It is important to know what one's uglies are, so that you can think about how it might manifest within the relationship. And it will manifest. You gotta face your mess. The bad parenting uglie, for example, might cause a person to have issues with trust, or require alot of attention, to make up for attention they didnt get as a child. You and your partner should both look at your individual uglies, so you can know where some recurring issues/needs in the relationship are rooted.
Before you get/got upset, are/were you assuming?
A lot of the time, men AND women get upset because they make assumptions. This is by far the most arrogant thing you can do in a relationship. It usually means that you think everyone thinks like you, or should think like you. And if that is the case, you are not fully aware that your partner is a whole person. They are a fully functioning individual with their own thoughts. They did not grow up like you did, and may not solve problems like you do. Don't assume. I had a boyfriend once who was a workaholic. Because I was consistently patient with him, he took my patience and ran with it. Sometimes, days would go by, and I hadn't heard from him. He assumed that I would be understanding of his hectic schedule, and disregard the lack of communication. This was a horrible assumption. Being long distance, communication was a serious priority for me. And although I certainly could understand a hectic schedule, I also understand the power of a text message, or quick call to say "I was thinking of you." Needless to say, this became an argument for us.
Don't assume. And don't take for granted.
Are/Were you good at apologizing?
Pride and arrogance are behind most people's inability to apologize. But hurt is usually behind most people's need for an apology. So.. what is more important to you? being "right", or letting your loved one know that you are apologetic for causing them pain? And apologies don't end with "but"... I apologize, but..... not a genuine apology.
Are/Were you being reasonable?
This one is simple. Are your expectations reasonable to who the person is, and what their lifestyle allows?
Are/Were you truly ready to SHARE your life?
I think a lot of people dont realize that a relationship involves sharing your whole life with someone else. You should never LOSE yourself to another person, but just about every major decision you make, going forward, must CONSIDER them and their situation. Are you really ready for that? From relocation, to how you spend your free time. What to order for dinner for two, who ELSE you spend time with... It must all take that other person into consideration. Are you ready to make them a priority? And wanting to, is different from being ready.
So... these are some questions... Some food for thought. Consider them before getting into a relationship. And if yours is over.. consider reviewing it with them.
Bet you its not all on the other person.....
And while I still think some problems are out of our control, I think that the statement mostly applies to situations that we let hold us back, and blame on others, or outside factors.
Like relationships... You ever watch a relationship unfold? Its really ugly. And usually both sides are too busy pointing out what the other did wrong.
However, if a person can investigate themselves with the painful, and microscopic lens of honesty, they may find that they played a deeper part in the ending than they would have assumed.
This is, of course, assuming the relationship just ended because they weren't meant for each other. I am not referring to abuse or infidelity.
Ive been thinking about this a lot lately, and I wanted to post some questions that I think are relevant.
Why do/did you want a relationship with this person?
There are quite a few people who jump into relationships to avoid loneliness. If thats the case, you are going to have a problem, down the line. So... why do you want to be with them? Is it because of how they make you feel? Because you like who they are?
What do/did you hope to get from this relationship?
Im not sure there's a right answer here, but if the answer is "nothing," chances are that "nothing" is exactly what you will get. And I'm not talking about just superficial goals like "a long term companion." Look deeper.
What are your 'uglies'?
What's an uglie? For the sake of this article, an "uglie" is some internal flaw or issue you have that might cause issues for the relationship. Bad experiences with one's parents, for example, could be an "uglie," especially if those issues havent been addressed. It is important to know what one's uglies are, so that you can think about how it might manifest within the relationship. And it will manifest. You gotta face your mess. The bad parenting uglie, for example, might cause a person to have issues with trust, or require alot of attention, to make up for attention they didnt get as a child. You and your partner should both look at your individual uglies, so you can know where some recurring issues/needs in the relationship are rooted.
Before you get/got upset, are/were you assuming?
A lot of the time, men AND women get upset because they make assumptions. This is by far the most arrogant thing you can do in a relationship. It usually means that you think everyone thinks like you, or should think like you. And if that is the case, you are not fully aware that your partner is a whole person. They are a fully functioning individual with their own thoughts. They did not grow up like you did, and may not solve problems like you do. Don't assume. I had a boyfriend once who was a workaholic. Because I was consistently patient with him, he took my patience and ran with it. Sometimes, days would go by, and I hadn't heard from him. He assumed that I would be understanding of his hectic schedule, and disregard the lack of communication. This was a horrible assumption. Being long distance, communication was a serious priority for me. And although I certainly could understand a hectic schedule, I also understand the power of a text message, or quick call to say "I was thinking of you." Needless to say, this became an argument for us.
Don't assume. And don't take for granted.
Are/Were you good at apologizing?
Pride and arrogance are behind most people's inability to apologize. But hurt is usually behind most people's need for an apology. So.. what is more important to you? being "right", or letting your loved one know that you are apologetic for causing them pain? And apologies don't end with "but"... I apologize, but..... not a genuine apology.
Are/Were you being reasonable?
This one is simple. Are your expectations reasonable to who the person is, and what their lifestyle allows?
Are/Were you truly ready to SHARE your life?
I think a lot of people dont realize that a relationship involves sharing your whole life with someone else. You should never LOSE yourself to another person, but just about every major decision you make, going forward, must CONSIDER them and their situation. Are you really ready for that? From relocation, to how you spend your free time. What to order for dinner for two, who ELSE you spend time with... It must all take that other person into consideration. Are you ready to make them a priority? And wanting to, is different from being ready.
So... these are some questions... Some food for thought. Consider them before getting into a relationship. And if yours is over.. consider reviewing it with them.
Bet you its not all on the other person.....