Dearest Departed (Fidel Cashflow)

Dearly Departed is the name of a play that i was in this past weekend. It's also the term for someone who has passed away.

My character, Marguerite, is the sister of the dead character.

My self, Leslie, is the "sister" of another passed soul.

Randal "Fidel Ca$hflow" Walker was twenty-one years old when he passed away November 13th, 2009. He left behind too many friends and broken hearts to count. And he was my little brother.

Randy's death brought to attention the lives of my other little brothers, all of which, including Randy, made up a little pack of wolves themselves. These young men, all between twenty and twenty two years of age, had friendship that withstood the trials of time and circumstance for four gracious years of college. They stood strong together, and supported each other.

Then one left....

Randy's death shook through my little brothers in the way that is only understood by those who have lost a part of themselves. it forced them to come together in a whole new way. It forced my hand too.

The shock of Randy's death didnt hit me until the next night. I spent a whole day praying for my brothers and their families, and Randy's family. it wasnt until i found myself reciting lines about a dead brother that night in rehearsal, that i felt a stinging choke in my throat. Was this grief?
it felt more violent and crushing than when my elderly grandmother died, or even when i lost someone from my childhood. This felt like a rush of heat and cold punching me dead in the chest. I wandered in the hallways of the rehearsal hall after my scene, and tried to comfort myself. Or to numb it away again. It was too late. Another actress found me in the hallway, and in the instant she touched me to offer a hug, the humanity of her touch punctured my heart. Water and noise and pain poured from my heart, out of my mouth and eyes and nose. Tears and sobs and bellowing ushered forth, uncontrollable, and immeasurably constant. I am told that i sputtered and spat the same words repeatedly. "My brother is dead." I could think of nothing, sitting there on the hallway floor, choking on dark emotion, unable to stop. "My brother is dead."

After the tears subsided, there was nothing in my body but ache. Nothing in my heart but coldness. And anger. Suddenly, everyone's problems seemed slight and trivial. Other people's talking was a nuisance. People's happiness seemed unappreciative and disrespectful. My senses were numbed. I felt like i was walking at the bottom of a pool.
And I was angry.

My anger is very unusual. It lasts a very long time and burns very strongly. However, it takes alot to ignite my anger, or my temper. My body is not built for angry energy. It is draining and consuming. So, I do not entertain it often.

I was angry nonetheless. And eventually, my anger turned to God. I was unable to be the rational, faithful child of God that i aspire to be. Instead i was resentful and confused, not understanding why someone as lovely as Randy was supposed to leave this earth. It is only now, almost a month later, that i can fully understand (although not necessarily appreciate) that Randy's time with us was OUR blessing. We were never entitled to him at all. We certainly werent promised any longevity with him. So, whatever time God gave us, was purely all we were supposed to have. To assume otherwise, is to be very arrogant in assuming one's rights over God's plans.

All of this "epiphany" time is showing me, reminding me, that we are promised no one and nothing. every person we care about is a gift with a limited warranty. Hopefully we will remember that. Hopefully I will remember that. I doubt it... honestly... at some point i probably will take someone, or something for granted. And surely, God will probably be there to remind me.. a spiritual slap on the wrists. But i hope that i am cognizant most of the time, of the blessing that people are in my life.

This Sunday, when the cast prayed before the last show, I sent a small prayer to God and Randy. I told him that this show would be for him, and i'd be thinking of him. I think he heard me. And since i can't have him back... as hard as that is to deal with, i am atleast happy to have had him at all.