Shoulda, Woulda, Coulda

On my birthday, I went into Claire's to buy jewelry. On my birthday the guy at the register was incredibly good looking. And on my birthday,he took my phone number and gave me two coupons instead of one, after complimenting my mother with the best possible "I thought she was your sister." I think he believed it!



My birthday was a Sunday.

We went out on a date on a Wednesday.

And then, the next day, I left the state to go back to school..



End of story.....





NOT.



The date was incredibly sweet. Vintage sweet. 1950's lunch on a picnic blanket sweet.

And the conversation was amazing. There was even a kiss (gasp) or two. Yes, I realize its a very forward first-date move, but hey. Sometimes, just sometimes, you can break a rule or two.

The only visible issue was that he's only an inch taller than me, and younger. Sure.... age doesnt matter... but im twenty-two.






Yikes a million.



However... im getting over it. As wonderful as he is, this blog is not quite about him.



Because, i could go on and on and on about how great he is, and compatible we are, and how well we are doing, all of 22 days later.... (when you talk EVERY day thats alot... especially considering that for 14 of those days i didnt really have a phone.)



But im sure that going on about him would lead you to assume the vomit position with a bag under your head....



cute can only be tolerated for so long. Im aware.



No.. this blog is instead about the considerable amount of creatures who are left in the aftermath, still pursuing yours truly, and well-assured of their imaginary importance in my life.

*scoff*

well, arent they arrogant....



Let's start with the ex boyfriend. You know the one. If you read any of my blogs... ever.. you know that my ex boyfriend, who is in the army now, has been a phantom in my love for a few years after we broke up. Ha. No.... after HE broke up with ME. Lets not sugarcoat. I couldnt get over him! It was insane. I think he ws singlehandedly responsible for my inability to go down the boyfriend road with anyone else after him.



talk about leaving an impression.....



Now, he has a daughter, and a crazy "baby mama." yeesh. And he has decided to be "single" for awhile. Not the first time. Every time he has a bout of singleness, its actually a masquerade for his emotionally dumping on me the frustrations of complicated love. i am his emotional mistress. or... rather... i was. i refuse it anymore, and i think this scares him.

and he is just one of many. Men who think that I will always be the doting "friend" who just adores them so much that i will endure anything.
i wasnt even that girl when they thought i was....

so... they can all kiss it. hard.

they can take their need to be comforted and petted, and go buy a puppy.

even without the guy i met, im very decided on making the most of my time on this watery ball we call earth, and that means looking out for myself.

i will treat well, those that treat me well.
and for the rest of you?
shoulda. woulda. coulda.

Cap N Gown

I picked up my cap n gown yesterday.

EX-HIL-I-RA-TING.

It was a weird experience to be looking down at the clothing of my future. A robe and a hat. Nothing more than simple fabric stitched in a particular pattern, but it meant the world to me.

These two items represented the completion of a major chapter in my life, and a major cycle in my family.

After recieving the clothing, I ran upstairs to my dorm room, and did a "happy dance." Those of you unfamiliar with my happy dance can just imagine a very ackward version of Michelle Tanner's wiggle dance as a child on the tv show Full House.

However, even with all the theatrics, it still hasnt hit me yet. I am a GRADUATING Senior.

And the question remains.... What next?
Somewhere along the way I realized that I dont really want to go to Grad School. Atleast not immediately. My only reason for going now would be to avoid the workforce even longer. Yikes....

Besides that, I think it's been an obligatory endeavor. My mom went to law school, and my grandmother wants a PhD. eventually.

Wouldn't I be some sort of black sheep to "cut out early" on the education track?
It's hard to decidedly disappoint people.

But I realize that my path to college was set for me a long time ago by my mother. Before I could speak properly, or read, for that matter. And when I arrived here, I continued to let other people live my life for me. I was here because I HAD to be. It was no driving passion of my own to be in college. It was just what I was supposed to do- no different than highschool. Not taking the reins on my education caused me alot of stress. And the things I DID want to do- took precedence over classwork. But even with no real effort, I was a smart cookie; enough not to totally sink.

I think that last year was the first year that I totally, and fully tried to make school work. I learned to take not only school, but my life, by the reins and carve out some image of what I really wanted from this ride.

Now, in my fifth and final year, I am perfecting the art of "taking the reins." I am beginning to really ask my Self the questions "What do I want for me." for a LONG time the question has been about what is "expected of me" or "How will this person feel if i do such and such." No more of that. When it's all said and done, Besides God, no one else can make anything really happen for me but me.

So, this cap n gown of mine- they mean alot. Yes, they mean a breaking of a long, dark cycle in my family. but they also mean freedom- freedom to totally be myself and do whatever I want to do in this world- freedom to become who I am supposed to be. The rush is over. I'm on my own time now. I have graduated from social servitude on the part of my life decisions. And I am an alumni of the institution of "Other's Expectations."